Understanding Self, to Better Know God

The older I get, the more convinced I am that I cannot know God until I have attempted to know myself. I say attempted because I am not sure if I can ever get to the point where I truly know myself. I like to think that it's possible, but I have yet to confirm it.

Several books I have read over the past 5-6 months have pushed me to be introspective in several ways I fear I have not been until now. (These are Leading the Congregation by Heuser and Shawchuck, Congregation Leadership in Anxious Times by Peter Steinke, and Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.) Not that I have not ever been introspective, I remember reading for the first time in college The Reformed Pastor by Richard Baxter and being completely wrecked after reading every page. He spoke to me in a way I had not heard before. He charged me with the admonition to preach to myself first and to the congregation second. He challenged me to seek reconciliation between myself and God every day before I ever attempted to assist another person to do so. Hearing that kind of "self-love" from a preacher writing in the 1600s was awe-inspiring. Before all the modern talk on self-love, emotional positivity, and mantras of "treat yo self" men and women of God knew the importance of taking care of themselves. I don't think we ever lost this as culture, but we lost meaningful ways to talk about it. I think we're learning the language again.

If you haven't done so, pick up one of those books I mentioned. I'm sure there are some books as equally as good or better but do something. Read, watch, listen, or talk to someone about who you are. Where are your aspirations in life? What do your aspirations tell you about yourself? How do you connect best to the love of God? How can you better live in those "rhythms" so that you might experience God's love more consistently? Know who you are and what drives you. Acknowledge your faults to your closest confidants, seek to change those faults into testimonies, and commit to growing into the image of God.

So, for my first entry, I leave you with a test of your spiritual state that I gained from Heuser and Shawchuck's book (I've made small adaptions for my purposes). These are five "shadows" in the life of a Christian leader that can often be looked over. (When I say "Christian Leader" that doesn't rule you out. No matter who you are, if you are a Christian, you are called to lead. That leadership might look different from someone else's call to leadership, but it is leadership nonetheless.)

Have any of these shadows crept up in your life?

1. the Shadow of deep insecurity about the leader's identity and self-worth

This shadow pushes us to believe that we are not good enough. That the only way to be good enough to perform successfully to whoever or whatever group we want acceptance from. Scazzero says that this is synonymous with the first temptation of Christ. We are tempted to demonstrate our usefulness, rather than accept how God uses us. We have been made lovely and complete in his eyes.

2. The Shadow that perceives that the world is hostile, and there must be winners and losers

"If you're not for me, your against me. So fall in line with the winners, or else who do you stay?" is a horrible attitude that Christians can often actualize in their daily lives. This shadow causes us to seek success at the expense of others. This becomes evident in church life when a big decision has to be made and lines are drawn. Christians become willing to exercise coercive power rather than sacrificial love. We push for our own wants and viewpoints rather than give in on matters that are not essential to the Christian life.

3. The Shadow of "functional atheism," a fundamental belief that ultimate responsibility belongs to the leader

This shadow is what I battle on a daily basis. This shadow has convinced me that the work I do for the church, for my family, and in my personal life will only find success if I am the one making the calls. That I, although not admitted consciously, am the only one who can bring success to a particular ministry or life goal. I completely remove God and his grace from the equation. I need to constantly keep before me that "God is carrying out a divine purpose even through less-than-perfect efforts." And most importantly, success in this life will never come through my own efforts, God is the source of all power, repentance, and salvation.

4. The Shadow of fear and of chaos

This shadow may be the most deceptive in my opinion. It is the mindset that "everything is O.K." and nothing has to change - ever! I like what Heuser and Shawchuck write when they say, "Chaos in the right amount and proper timing is a precondition to creativity that frees us up to try something different than we normally would do." Some of what I have said probably sounds a little out there and something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe that are inklings of chaos within you that are seeking to be tamed into creative outlets. I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and create! It is part of our mandate as image bearers to tame the chaos of the world and to create a people who bring in the Kingdom of God.

5. The Shadow that denies death and fear of failure

This shadow whispers that change isn't necessary, "Your marriage is fine," "Your relationship to your kids/parents are fine," and you should not speak so negatively about things. In other words, it keeps us from recognizing death. As much as we hate death, it is more natural than many other things in this life we attach ourselves to. We must recognize failing systems in our lives and seek to truly fix them. the double-sided coin of this shadow is that it also convinces you that anything you would hope to try will fail. It leaves you stuck. It leaves you fighting for what isn't there. This is where we have to place ourselves in Joshua's sandals. He would be taking on a whole new adventure, traveling out of the wilderness and into the promised land filled with enemies. He had to accept Moses' death and that he was now leading the nation of Israel for YHWH. Accept death, forget failure. God was with him. and our God as promised to be with us.

I would love to hear anyone thoughts on this topic or anything I may have brought up here. God bless you and your quest to know yourself, that you may know God!

St. Augustine, "How can you draw close to God when you are far from your own self?"